Environmentalist and esteemed scientist David Suzuki held a press conference today calling on the Iceland volcano that is spewing millions of tons of ash into the atmosphere to cease and desist immediately.
The volcano named Eyjafjallajökull (try saying that rapidly 5 times in a row) has affected air travel across most of Europe and many other parts of the world. Airlines have been leery of flying through the ash. In the past ash particles have shut down jet engines.
Suzuki said this brutish volcano has spewed more toxic emissions into the atmosphere in the last week than all the cars in the world did in the last year. Suzuki lamented that high-flying geese could be knocked from the sky. The lungs of mountain goats will get coated with ash causing the goats to black-out and fall off mountains, Suzuki asserted. The eminent scientist then declared that this contemptuous volcano is disgorging more pollutants into the air in an hour than 30 million flatulent cows do in a decade.
When a reporter refuted Suzuki’s logic stating that a volcano is a natural phenomenon that possesses no conciousness of its own and can’t make rational decisions, Suzuki blasted back, “poppycock!” He said “the Earth is a living, breathing entity, and every part of it knows what in the hell it is doing!” Suzuki then started rambling in an ancient Egyptian dialect and had to be restrained and taken away in a straight jacket.
A Suzuki aide later said the professor had a bad reaction to his latest diet. He said Suzuki was trying a life extension diet consisting exclusively of seafood stew, beets and rutabagas. And that Suzuki had an allergic reaction to the rutabagas immediately prior to the press conference.