SEXSQUATCH: THE LEGEND OF BLOOD STOOL CREEK
Directed by Chris Seaver
Distributed by SRS Cinema / MVD Entertainment
Yes, you read that correctly. I am actually reviewing a movie called SEXSQUATCH: THE LEGEND OF BLOOD STOOL CREEK. I had a feeling from the title that this was going to be an awful movie, and while I really wanted to dislike this film, I have to admit….I kinda liked it!
Here is the basic plot of the film from the MVD website:
Joey Jeremiah’s friends have gathered near Blood Stool Creek for a party weekend to throw their ambitious friend a “get laid” party. Teens… woods… beer… sex… what could possibly go wrong? Well the wooded area that plays host to their good times houses a sinister beast. He’s bloodthirsty, intelligent, eloquent, covered in hair, and HORNY as hell… it’s SEXSQUATCH!
Now don’t get me wrong….this is not a good movie by any means. But what makes it fun is that it is not supposed to be a good movie. The acting is horrible, but it is supposed to be. If they were trying to make a serious movie here, then it would be awful….but this is a comedy more than anything. It is made to be campy and corny and it succeeds.
The humor is pretty crude, but what do you expect going into a movie with this title. If you aren’t easily offended, then you will probably get some enjoyment out of this one. I don’t know what it was about this film, but it had a certain charm to it. It looked like a group of friend just got together to make a movie, and the result was SEXSQUATCH. It is low budget….really, low budget, but it works. If you are looking for a silly, crazy, goofy, cheesy, gross, immature, funny movie, then SEXSQUATCH is for you!
CAMP PENDLETON, CA — A company commander in 1st Battalion, 1st Marine Regiment is having to face his superiors today after his platoon set a new record in 1st Marine Division for alcohol-related incidents within a twenty-four hour period.
Marine Captain Jimmy O’Sullivan, of Olmos Park, Texas, is trying to find answers after his company suffered such a swift and violent breakdown of order.
“My parents were born in Belfast and I’m a proud Irish-American,” the 27 year-old officer told The Duffel Blog. “We were going to do some training on Saturday, but I thought it would be good to give my boys the day off before St. Patrick’s Day. You know, to let them somberly reflect on the Irish experience in America. So I gave them some simple instructions: ‘You may have the day off as long as you wear your green cammies everywhere you go and try to celebrate Gaelic culture to the best of your ability. Everybody is Irish today.”
“Shit was cray-cray,” said Lance Corporal Adrian Binkley, one of O’Sullivan’s Marines who had just been dropped off at his barracks room after a night in a San Clemente jail cell. “We all woke up around 0700, put our uniforms on, and headed to Hennessy’s where we enjoyed a traditional Irish meal of potatoes and alcohol. After that, everything became a big green blur.”
Binkley’s roommate, Lance Corporal Tyrone McManus, told The Duffel Blog what he recalled.
“I was really excited to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, being that I’m Black Irish and all,” said the Detroit, MI native. “Around noon, we had made our way over to Ole’s Tavern, but Binkley got into a scuffle with some police after the bartender told him he already had too much to drink. All I remember is it took about fifteen officers to subdue him and he kept screaming, ‘They took me Lucky Charms, they took me Lucky Charms… Erin go fuck yourself, you Saxon pigs!’”
“Oh, yeah … now I remember,” Binkley interrupted. “I was pissed because they cut me off, even though they served Staff Sergeant Ortiz, like, twenty Bloody Sundaes.”
“Dude, they were called Bloody Marys,” McManus responded.
Division JAG officers are still trying to tally the number of O’Sullivan’s Marines who are currently incarcerated or absent without authorization.
“It looks like I’ll be taking command of the company,” said the company’s executive-officer, 1st Lieutenant Austin White. “And since my grandparents lived on Shankill Road, I think these assholes, with their knew-found Irish pride, will be happy when I have them singing ‘Croppies Lie Down’ for cadence on Monday.”
“I’m done with these little bastards,” he added. “I just got back from notifying the battalion commander that we can’t find Staff Sergeant Ortiz anywhere. The last anyone saw him, he had just punched a ninety-year old World War II veteran in the face.”
LCpl McManus recalls when he last saw SSgt Javier Ortiz, one of the company’s respected platoon sergeants.
“Somehow we all ended up at Wal-Mart at two in the morning,” he said. “He [Ortiz] was really belligerent at that point. I think he was really excited because he spent fifty dollars to change all his nametapes to read ‘O’Rtiz,’ but ended up losing it after the greeter questioned the validity of his Irish heritage. So they start getting into it and Staff Sergeant Ortiz calls the guy a ‘British devil’ and socks him in the face, then runs off yelling, ‘Éire go deo, pinchi gringo!”
According to NCIS investigators, the current incident tally includes seventeen UA, eight hospitalized with minor injuries, five hospitalized with serious injuries, ten in various jails around the Southern California area, and one crying Marine who showed up to a renowned plastic surgeon’s doorstep at four in the morning, desperately begging the doctor “to turn me into a woman.” The rest of the company has been placed on barracks restriction.
As charges mount and Marines continue to be unaccounted for, Captain O’Sullivan admits he made some mistakes as a leader.
“Yeah, I should have never allowed them to wear their cammies off base, much less give them the day off. I just thought that by allowing my light, medium, and dark green Marines to go out in uniform, they would share in the spirit of Gaelic green … but they blew it. This is the biggest embarrassment for Irish-Americans since Chappaquiddick.”
Brother Theodore (November 11, 1906 – April 5, 2001), born Theodore Gottlieb, was a German-American monologuist and comedian known for rambling, stream-of-consciousness dialogues which he called “stand-up tragedy”.
Brother Theodore was a regular guest on David Letterman and made a memorable appearance in the 1989 film “The Burbs” which starred Tom Hanks.
The Duffel Blog is a military parody site that provides pitch perfect fake military stories. Below is an example.
JACKSONVILLE, NC — Marine Corps officials released the results of a month-long wargame earlier today, claiming that the study has proven women are capable of serving in combat positions.
The wargame, dubbed Operation Irrational Rage, was planned days after Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta opened combat roles to women. Lieutenant Colonel Jordan O’Neil commanded 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, tasked with finding and destroying an enemy outpost hidden somewhere in the countryside. O’Neil was chosen for combat command after distinguishing herself by replacing PT with Zumba classes, outfitting her Marines with different uniforms so no one could argue who wore theirs better, and replacing MRE’s with salads and pints of yogurt.
O’Neil organized a long distance recon, during which she made her Executive Officer, Major Brad Gramble, carry her rucksack and open jars. Unconfirmed sources say she also refused to wear camouflage face paint, claiming it didn’t match her eyes.
“She also said her feet were hurting,” said Gramble, “so she commandeered a Humvee but ended up driving it into a ditch.” She screamed in frustration, prompting her Marines to mutter, “must be that time of the month.”
Still, there were setbacks.
That night three Marines were killed in a freak bear attack. Only a day later, Private First Class John Metz awoke to find he had been demoted in the night. When he asked why, LtCol O’Neil only responded, “You know what you did.” The battalion was ordered not to speak to PFC Metz until he apologized.
The next day LtCol. O’Neil screamed at Maj. Gramble for leaving the seat up on the ammo box used as a toilet. Although he apologized a dozen times, he wasn’t forgiven until he found some flowers and gave her his MRE crackers and jalapeño cheese.
Finding the objective, O’Neil and Gramble developed a plan of attack. The battalion prepared to attack at midnight but had to wait three hours for O’Neil to get ready.
O’Neil led the assault and won a crushing victory, demonstrating that women are just as capable in combat as men.
To celebrate the operation’s success, LtCol. O’Neil organized a mandatory shopping trip where everyone was ordered to buy several sets of boots they would never wear. While her Marines shopped O’Neil sulked and complained nobody noticed her new haircut.
VATICAN CITY—Citing his advancing age and deteriorating health, Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation from the papacy Monday, saying he no longer possessed the strength and energy required to lead the Catholic Church backward.
According to the 85-year-old pontiff, after considerable prayer and reflection on his physical stamina and mental acuity, he concluded that his declining faculties left him unable to helm the Church’s ambitious regressive agenda and guide the faith’s one billion global followers on their steady march away from modernity and cultural advancement.
“It is with sadness, but steadfast conviction, that I announce I am no longer capable of impeding social progress with the energy and endurance that is required of the highest ministry in the Roman Catholic Church,” Benedict reportedly said in Latin to the Vatican’s highest cardinals. “While I’m proud of the strides the Church has made over the past eight years, from thwarting AIDS-prevention efforts in Africa to failing to punish or even admit to decades of sexual abuse of children at the hands of clergy, it has become evident to me that, in this rapidly evolving world, I now lack the capacity to continue guiding this faith back centuries.”
“Thus, I must step down from the papacy,” he added. “But let me assure every member of the Church that the Vatican’s commitment to narrow-mindedness and social obstruction will long live on after my departure.”
Word of Benedict’s resignation—the first for a sitting pope in nearly 600 years—reportedly stunned the world’s Catholic faithful, many of whom believed the German-born pontiff still had years of stymieing female advancement in Church roles, opposing stem cell research, and inflaming tensions with Jews, Muslims, and Anglicans left in him.
Other members of the faith, however, said they recognized the Holy Father had, as of late, grown slower and more feeble in his ability to block measures regarding scientific discovery and same-sex rights. Many believers expressed appreciation that Benedict recognized his limitations at obstructing society’s advancement, and admitted feeling a sense of excitement that a new pontiff could reinvigorate the faith’s obsolete ideology and guide the Church toward bold social norms unseen since the Middle Ages.
“I’ll always appreciate what Benedict XVI did for limiting my ability to receive basic health care services,” said devout Catholic Ana Maria Fernández of Buenos Aires. “He was a visionary leader who was undaunted by modern realities and social trends, always vowing to triumph over modern ideals of fairness, equality, and in many cases, even basic human compassion to achieve a darker, far more regressive world for all of us.”
“I doubt we’ll ever find another leader so committed to reversing society’s natural progression of post-Enlightenment values,” Fernández added. “He will truly be missed.”
Responding to the widespread outpouring of shock and sadness surrounding his resignation, Benedict issued a brief statement Monday afternoon consoling his followers, assuring them that “the Church’s most ignorant and regressive days still lie ahead of us.”
