ATLANTA—Addressing attendees gathered for this week’s TEDxEvolution Conference, al-Qaeda head Ayman al-Zawahiri delivered an informative and engrossing TEDTalk on the state of worldwide terrorism, entitled “Terror At A Crossroads: Instilling Fear In The 21st-Century Infidel.” “We find ourselves in an ever-evolving, globally connected community that is confronted with numerous societal and economic obstacles every day. The question is, and it’s a difficult one, how can we, as terrorist cells, overcome these roadblocks while staying true to our vision? How do we adapt?” the 56-year-old al-Qaeda leader and Islamist militant said while audience members reportedly nodded their heads, took notes, and laughed when al-Zawahiri delivered some lighthearted jabs at former boss Osama bin Laden. “For example, what happens when your terrorist organization’s overseas assets are frozen? Do you you lash out, behead a journalist, and destroy an Amsterdam bus station? Or do you regroup, assess the situation, see if you can make a connection—a very real, very honest, very genuine connection—with another terrorist group, and together figure out a way to acquire a nuclear weapon? Connections, folks. Both personal and professional. That’s really what we’re talking about today.” Sources confirmed that at the end of his 18-minute speech, audience members gave al-Zawahiri a standing ovation.
CAMP PENDLETON, CA — A company commander in 1st Battalion, 1st Marine Regiment is having to face his superiors today after his platoon set a new record in 1st Marine Division for alcohol-related incidents within a twenty-four hour period.
Marine Captain Jimmy O’Sullivan, of Olmos Park, Texas, is trying to find answers after his company suffered such a swift and violent breakdown of order.
“My parents were born in Belfast and I’m a proud Irish-American,” the 27 year-old officer told The Duffel Blog. “We were going to do some training on Saturday, but I thought it would be good to give my boys the day off before St. Patrick’s Day. You know, to let them somberly reflect on the Irish experience in America. So I gave them some simple instructions: ‘You may have the day off as long as you wear your green cammies everywhere you go and try to celebrate Gaelic culture to the best of your ability. Everybody is Irish today.”
“Shit was cray-cray,” said Lance Corporal Adrian Binkley, one of O’Sullivan’s Marines who had just been dropped off at his barracks room after a night in a San Clemente jail cell. “We all woke up around 0700, put our uniforms on, and headed to Hennessy’s where we enjoyed a traditional Irish meal of potatoes and alcohol. After that, everything became a big green blur.”
Binkley’s roommate, Lance Corporal Tyrone McManus, told The Duffel Blog what he recalled.
“I was really excited to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, being that I’m Black Irish and all,” said the Detroit, MI native. “Around noon, we had made our way over to Ole’s Tavern, but Binkley got into a scuffle with some police after the bartender told him he already had too much to drink. All I remember is it took about fifteen officers to subdue him and he kept screaming, ‘They took me Lucky Charms, they took me Lucky Charms… Erin go fuck yourself, you Saxon pigs!’”
“Oh, yeah … now I remember,” Binkley interrupted. “I was pissed because they cut me off, even though they served Staff Sergeant Ortiz, like, twenty Bloody Sundaes.”
“Dude, they were called Bloody Marys,” McManus responded.
Division JAG officers are still trying to tally the number of O’Sullivan’s Marines who are currently incarcerated or absent without authorization.
“It looks like I’ll be taking command of the company,” said the company’s executive-officer, 1st Lieutenant Austin White. “And since my grandparents lived on Shankill Road, I think these assholes, with their knew-found Irish pride, will be happy when I have them singing ‘Croppies Lie Down’ for cadence on Monday.”
“I’m done with these little bastards,” he added. “I just got back from notifying the battalion commander that we can’t find Staff Sergeant Ortiz anywhere. The last anyone saw him, he had just punched a ninety-year old World War II veteran in the face.”
LCpl McManus recalls when he last saw SSgt Javier Ortiz, one of the company’s respected platoon sergeants.
“Somehow we all ended up at Wal-Mart at two in the morning,” he said. “He [Ortiz] was really belligerent at that point. I think he was really excited because he spent fifty dollars to change all his nametapes to read ‘O’Rtiz,’ but ended up losing it after the greeter questioned the validity of his Irish heritage. So they start getting into it and Staff Sergeant Ortiz calls the guy a ‘British devil’ and socks him in the face, then runs off yelling, ‘Éire go deo, pinchi gringo!”
According to NCIS investigators, the current incident tally includes seventeen UA, eight hospitalized with minor injuries, five hospitalized with serious injuries, ten in various jails around the Southern California area, and one crying Marine who showed up to a renowned plastic surgeon’s doorstep at four in the morning, desperately begging the doctor “to turn me into a woman.” The rest of the company has been placed on barracks restriction.
As charges mount and Marines continue to be unaccounted for, Captain O’Sullivan admits he made some mistakes as a leader.
“Yeah, I should have never allowed them to wear their cammies off base, much less give them the day off. I just thought that by allowing my light, medium, and dark green Marines to go out in uniform, they would share in the spirit of Gaelic green … but they blew it. This is the biggest embarrassment for Irish-Americans since Chappaquiddick.”
VATICAN CITY—Citing his advancing age and deteriorating health, Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation from the papacy Monday, saying he no longer possessed the strength and energy required to lead the Catholic Church backward.
According to the 85-year-old pontiff, after considerable prayer and reflection on his physical stamina and mental acuity, he concluded that his declining faculties left him unable to helm the Church’s ambitious regressive agenda and guide the faith’s one billion global followers on their steady march away from modernity and cultural advancement.
“It is with sadness, but steadfast conviction, that I announce I am no longer capable of impeding social progress with the energy and endurance that is required of the highest ministry in the Roman Catholic Church,” Benedict reportedly said in Latin to the Vatican’s highest cardinals. “While I’m proud of the strides the Church has made over the past eight years, from thwarting AIDS-prevention efforts in Africa to failing to punish or even admit to decades of sexual abuse of children at the hands of clergy, it has become evident to me that, in this rapidly evolving world, I now lack the capacity to continue guiding this faith back centuries.”
“Thus, I must step down from the papacy,” he added. “But let me assure every member of the Church that the Vatican’s commitment to narrow-mindedness and social obstruction will long live on after my departure.”
Word of Benedict’s resignation—the first for a sitting pope in nearly 600 years—reportedly stunned the world’s Catholic faithful, many of whom believed the German-born pontiff still had years of stymieing female advancement in Church roles, opposing stem cell research, and inflaming tensions with Jews, Muslims, and Anglicans left in him.
Other members of the faith, however, said they recognized the Holy Father had, as of late, grown slower and more feeble in his ability to block measures regarding scientific discovery and same-sex rights. Many believers expressed appreciation that Benedict recognized his limitations at obstructing society’s advancement, and admitted feeling a sense of excitement that a new pontiff could reinvigorate the faith’s obsolete ideology and guide the Church toward bold social norms unseen since the Middle Ages.
“I’ll always appreciate what Benedict XVI did for limiting my ability to receive basic health care services,” said devout Catholic Ana Maria Fernández of Buenos Aires. “He was a visionary leader who was undaunted by modern realities and social trends, always vowing to triumph over modern ideals of fairness, equality, and in many cases, even basic human compassion to achieve a darker, far more regressive world for all of us.”
“I doubt we’ll ever find another leader so committed to reversing society’s natural progression of post-Enlightenment values,” Fernández added. “He will truly be missed.”
Responding to the widespread outpouring of shock and sadness surrounding his resignation, Benedict issued a brief statement Monday afternoon consoling his followers, assuring them that “the Church’s most ignorant and regressive days still lie ahead of us.”
CAMP BASTION, AFGHANISTAN—Completing his four-month tour of duty in Afghanistan, Prince Harry of Wales admitted in interviews this week to having killed a number of “Taliban-looking people” while serving with the British Army Air Corps. “They were definitely dressed pretty Taliban-y, wearing those scarves and robe things, and they were speaking that al-Qaeda-sounding language,” Queen Elizabeth II’s 28-year-old grandson said of the Afghan insurgents he shot and killed while co-piloting an Apache helicopter to provide air support for ground forces. “Who else could it have been? It’s Afghanistan. They’re all over this place in their dirty Taliban homes. Those Taliban kids are hard to hit, by the way—they’re quick.” Upon returning home, Harry, who is third in line to the British throne, reported sighting numerous Taliban insurgents working in shops, running businesses, and walking around London in plain view.
Jean-Pierre-Marie Tetebon, spokesperson for the Grocery Prices Limit Reform Party of Quebec (GPLRPQ), says the price hike in the price of the pomme-de-terres could cause major new street demonstrations in the province. He says the potato corporations are gouging the public with this five cent hike. Tetebon said the increased potato profits don’t stay in Quebec, but go to the potato corporations in Prince Edward Island, another slap in the face of Quebec from English Canada.
Tetebon also stressed that the price of the highly addictive Poutine, a dish of French fries and fresh cheese curds, covered with brown gravy or sauce, could be priced out of reach of the average street rioter. “Dees rioters ave to ave de poutine to keep dare henergy hup,” Tetebon was quoted as saying.
Mouth watering dish of Poutine
Another protest group in Quebec is threatening street riots if the golf course fees in the province aren’t reduced. “Ow de ell do you hexpect a person to golf tree time a week with dees crazy fee” said Marc-Jacques St. Rousseau, the president of the Anarchist Golfers Association of Quebec (AGAQ). St. Rousseau was also quoted as saying the AGAQ will burn down the club houses if there isn’t an immediate reduction in green fees.
Asian women share tips on how to catch a man and keep him happy.
For generations Asian women learned how to treat a man by following rules laid down by Thai philosopher Sunthron Phu in his book Maxims for Teaching Women. Now they’ve taken his words of wisdom that have been passsed down fro more than 2,000 years and updated them to deal with men in 2012.
Here are the winning recommendations for Western women who want to trade be successful in love and marriage:
1) YOUR MAN IS KING - Remember that your man/husband comes first – before you, your parents, your outside interests or even your children.
2) RISE EARLY. Get up in the morning before your man does. Make sure you prepare a healthy breakfast so he gets a good start on the day. Even if you have to leave before him, make sure he has a nice breakfast waiting for him when he comes into the kitchen in the morning.
3) NEVER NAG. Never, ever. If he wants to stop off after work and have a few drinks with his buddies, that’s his business. If he forgot to take out the garbage – do it yourself.
4) BE AT HOME. Make sure you’re always at home when he gets in from a hard day at the office. Even if you are working, make sure you get home to your man/husband as soon as possible.
5) SMILE. Always greet your man with a smile on your face and, if you can, a cold drink in your hand.
6) DINNER READY. If you are home, or get home first, always have a delicious dinner ready to be served. And if he comes home feeling tense, give him a massage to ease his aches and pains.
7) LET HIM HANG WITH FRIENDS. If your man wants to have his buddies over for a night of poker, or football, or video games, don’t get mad. Encourage it and make sure you’ve got lots of sandwiches and cold beer on hand to serve them.
8) ASK FIRST. Always ask him first before you go spending his hard-earned money, or even your hard-earned money, to buy something for yourself.
9) REMOTE CONTROL. Let him choose the programs you watch onteleveision. The television is man’s domain… he should be in charge. And only Netflix/rent HIS favorite movies or TV shows.
10) OBEY. Don’t do things your husband doesn’t approve of. And don’t complain about it. If he doesn’t want you wasting your time watching soap operas or having coffee with a neighbor, obey him. You’ll both be happier for it.
11) WILD IN BED. Be a temptress in bed. If he likes you in sexy lingerie, wear it. Be shy and demure when you’re out in public, but once the lights are out, let him know he’s the only man in the world who can please you.
12) KNOW SPORTS. Bone up on sports so you’ll have something to talk about. But always let him start the conversation.
13) KEEP FIT. Keep yourself in shape and always dress nicely so you’ll be a wife any husband would be proud to have.
14) CLEANING. Keep your home spic and span at all times. It should look like you’re expecting company. And the laundry should always be done. Your man should never have to look for clean socks or underwear and his shirts should all be ironed – by you.
Follow ALL these steps and you will be happy for the rest of your life!
Why is it that the United States military can find Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden, but somehow, within the borders of their own country, Bigfoot still eludes justice?
