Study: Infantry Battalions Commanded By Females More Likely To Stop For Directions, Arrive Late   1 comment


 

The Duffel Blog is a military parody site that provides pitch perfect fake military stories.  Below is an example.

 

women

 

JACKSONVILLE, NC — Marine Corps officials released the results of a  month-long wargame earlier today, claiming that the study has proven women are  capable of serving in combat positions.

The wargame, dubbed Operation Irrational Rage, was planned days after Secretary  of Defense Leon Panetta opened combat  roles to women. Lieutenant Colonel Jordan O’Neil commanded 3rd Battalion,  2nd Marine Regiment, tasked with finding and destroying an enemy outpost hidden  somewhere in the countryside. O’Neil was chosen for combat command after  distinguishing herself by replacing PT with Zumba classes, outfitting her  Marines with different uniforms so no one could argue who wore theirs better,  and replacing MRE’s with salads and pints of yogurt.

O’Neil organized a long distance recon, during which she made her Executive  Officer, Major Brad Gramble, carry her rucksack and open jars. Unconfirmed  sources say she also refused to wear camouflage face paint, claiming it didn’t  match her eyes.

“She also said her feet were hurting,” said Gramble, “so she commandeered a  Humvee but ended up driving it into a ditch.” She screamed in frustration,  prompting her Marines to mutter, “must be that time of the month.”

Still, there were setbacks.

That night three Marines were killed in a freak bear attack. Only a day later, Private First Class  John Metz awoke to find he had been demoted in the night. When he asked why,  LtCol O’Neil only responded, “You know what you did.” The battalion was ordered  not to speak to PFC Metz until he apologized.

The next day LtCol. O’Neil screamed at Maj. Gramble for leaving the seat up  on the ammo box used as a toilet. Although he apologized a dozen times, he  wasn’t forgiven until he found some flowers and gave her his MRE crackers  and jalapeño cheese.

Finding the objective, O’Neil and Gramble developed a plan of attack. The battalion prepared to attack at midnight but had to wait three hours for O’Neil to get ready.

O’Neil led the assault and won a crushing victory, demonstrating that women are just as capable in combat as men.

To celebrate the operation’s success, LtCol. O’Neil organized a mandatory shopping trip where everyone was ordered to buy several sets of boots they would never wear. While her Marines shopped O’Neil sulked and complained nobody noticed her new haircut.

Women In Combat

 

 

Posted February 20, 2013 by markosun in Uncategorized

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One response to “Study: Infantry Battalions Commanded By Females More Likely To Stop For Directions, Arrive Late

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