Archive for the ‘Humour’ Tag

National Enquirer: the Queen of Newspaper Tabloids   Leave a comment


As I was waiting in line at a drug store the other day my eyes were drawn to the magazine stand. To my surprise there at the top of the stand was the National Enquirer.  I thought that old controversial tabloid had went out of business years ago. But the rag is still steaming off the presses. I guess certain people like to be entertained by reading made-up stories about the rich and famous. 

A reliable source this tabloid is not.  Funny, it is that.  The Enquirer is one step above Weekly World News, the WWN writes about women having Bigfoot’s babies.  The Enquirer doesn’t go that far, but as the headlines below demonstrate, it does go far. It did report with a straight face that Jack Black was pregnant.  Escapism in a very harmless way I suppose.

Ben Carson is running against Donald Trump for the Republican presidential nomination

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I always had my doubts about Doctor Phil

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In 1926, William Griffin, a protégé of William Randolph Hearst, founded the paper as The New York Evening Enquirer, a Sunday afternoon broadsheet newspaper distributed throughout New York City, using money lent to Griffin by Hearst. As partial payment of his loan, Hearst asked Griffin to use the Enquirer as a proving ground for new ideas. Hearst took the ideas that worked in his successful publications; the less successful ideas stayed with the Enquirer, and as a result the Enquirer‘s sales never soared.

Cover from the 1960’s

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By 1952, the paper’s circulation had fallen to 17,000 copies a week and it was purchased by Generoso Pope Jr., the son of Generoso Pope, the founder of Il Progresso, New York’s Italian language daily newspaper. It has been alleged that Mafia boss Frank Costello provided Pope the money for the purchase in exchange for the Enquirer’s promise to list lottery numbers and to refrain from all mention of Mafia activities.

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In 1953, Pope revamped the format from a broadsheet to a sensationalist tabloid focusing on sex and violence. The paper’s editorial content became so salacious that Griffin was forced by the Mayor to resign from the city’s Board of Higher Education in 1954. In 1957, Pope changed the name of the newspaper to The National Enquirer and changed its scope to national stories of sex and scandal. Pope worked tirelessly in the 1950s and 1960s to increase the circulation and broaden the tabloid’s appeal. In the late 1950s and through most of the 1960s, the Enquirer was known for its gory and unsettling headlines and stories such as: “I Cut Out Her Heart and Stomped on It” (Sept. 8, 1963) and “Mom Boiled Her Baby and Ate Her” (1962). At this time the paper was sold on newsstands and in drugstores only. Pope stated he got the idea for the format and these gory stories from seeing people congregate around auto accidents. By 1966, circulation had risen to one million.

The Enquirer must have secret agents in the heart of the medical establishment, as they always seem to know about the impending demise of celebrities.

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Posted October 9, 2015 by markosun in Uncategorized

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Gilles Duceppe attempts English   Leave a comment


Most Francophonies have a really hard time with English. They just can’t get the pronunciation down properly. In effect they sound like mentally disabled goofballs. Gilles Duceppe, the separatist leader from Quebec, butchers the language so badly that he should use an interpreter. Don’t even try it Gilles.

In this brief interview I didn’t understand a word he tried to say in English.

Posted September 9, 2015 by markosun in Uncategorized

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Punxsutawney Phil Predicts At Least Ten More Years Of War   Leave a comment


Duffel Blog

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PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. – Senior defense and intelligence officials confirmed today that groundhog and famous prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil had predicted another 10 years of armed conflict for the United States, setting the stage for rising domestic tensions and embroiled diplomatic relations in the years to come.

Top-level CIA officers have been conferring with the squirrely seer since 2005, according to sources, two years after it became strikingly clear that the mission in Iraq was, indeed, far from accomplished. Recently declassified documents revealed the CIA’s consultations with the gregarious groundhog have cost the agency nearly $100 million, though what extravagances the portly prophet indulges in remain undetermined.

“Oh, Phil’s just a swell guy, a real dandy fella, boy, I tell ya,” one agent said, on condition of anonymity, tipping his top hat while extolling the woodland soothsayer’s virtues. “And to think, he’s right fifty percent of the time! I don’t know about you, but I’ll take those odds any day.”

Emerging from his lair in Gobbler’s Knob, sources confirmed that Punxsutawney Phil prophesied at least ten more years of bitter strife and bloodshed in the Middle East, assuring the fevered propagation of geopolitical discord, burgeoning defense expenditures, growing dependence on private military contractors, and an increasingly inept Department of Veterans Affairs likely to be bankrupt by 2025.

“Phil brings such valued insight to our defense strategy,” said Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’d have been a lost cause without his sage advice plunging us deeper and deeper into continued operations with a clear, defined purpose.”

At press time, White House sources reported that President Barack Obama had broken a mirror in the White House’s Executive Residence, ensuring at least seven years of bad luck for future occupants.


Army Rangers below, will be busy chasing crazy bad guys for another ten years at least, according to the furry portly prognosticator.

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Posted February 2, 2015 by markosun in Uncategorized

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Players at the World Cup Who Look Like Famous Villains   Leave a comment


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Not all soccer players can have the manicured good looks of Cristiano Ronaldo or David Beckham. Here are some of the most villainous-looking players currently representing their countries at the World Cup.

Michael Bradley (USA): Lex Luthor

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David Luiz (Brazil): Sideshow Bob

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Luis Suarez (Uruguay): Dracula

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Andrea Pirlo (Italy): Hans Gruber

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Raul Meireles (Portugal): Travis Bickle (movie Taxi Driver, Robert De Niro as Travis Bickle)

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Gervinho (Ivory Coast): A Klingon

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Givanildo Vieira de Souza (Brazil): Hulk

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Posted June 21, 2014 by markosun in Uncategorized

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CIA Admits: Edward Snowden Was Top Assassin   Leave a comment


Duffelblog.com

New Sniper Rifle

LANGLEY, Va. — In response to Edward Snowden’s assertion that he was a spy for the U.S. government, the CIA has not only confirmed it, but added that Snowden was one of their top assassins.

CIA Director John Brennan made the revelation as part of a larger program by the U.S. government to declassify and release all the e-mails sent by Snowden during his time as a government technician and highly-trained killer.

“Snowden was our most lethal operative,” Brennan told reporters. “Sure by day he just pretended to be an inept and pretentious systems administrator but at night Snowden, or ‘Agent Qwerty’ as he was known in the department, was part of our covert MD-5 program.”

According to Brennan, Snowden was secretly recruited by the CIA in 2004, straight out of his National Guard basic training where he had enlisted as a Special Forces recruit.

“The Guard totally didn’t know what to do with him. They wanted to have him creeping through the swamps of Florida looking for drug-runners,” Brennan explained. “We had him doing HALO jumps into Columbia to poison top Cartel leaders which — thanks to his fluency in Spanish and 25 other languages — he was able to pull off.”

The recently released documents go into even further detail, showing how Snowden received highly-specialized training in diving, parachuting, high-speed driving, flying a jetpack, baccarat, and disarmament of live nuclear weapons. They also explain Snowden’s covert posting to Hawaii under the alias “Sex Machine Ed” as part of a covert campaign to, in Snowden’s words, “Control-Alt-Delete some motherfuckers in the face.”

“We had to make up the whole SEAL raid to protect our sources,” Brennan explained. “The simple truth is that Edward infiltrated the bin Laden compound by pretending to be a member of the Best Buy Geek Squad, then caved bin Laden’s head in with a keyboard.”

When asked why Snowden had gone to Russia, Brennan said, “I can’t go into details right just yet, but as Edward likes to say: ‘If anything in this life is certain, if Game of Thrones has taught us anything, it’s that you can kill anyone.’”

Brennan’s revelations were aired on the television channel Russia Today, in the middle of a live interview involving both Snowden and Russian President Vladimir Putin. As the flabbergasted host read out the announcement, Snowden turned to Putin, whispered, “You were my target the whole time,” and shoved an ice pick through Putin’s skull.

Snowden then dove out a nearby window, somersaulted to the pavement, and vanished down an alley.


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Posted June 3, 2014 by markosun in Uncategorized

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Malaysia Airlines Expands Investigation To Include General Scope Of Space, Time   Leave a comment


 

The Onion

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KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA—Following a host of conflicting reports in the wake of the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 last Saturday, representatives from the Kuala Lumpur–based carrier acknowledged they had widened their investigation into the vanished Boeing 777 aircraft today to encompass not only the possibilities of mechanical failure, pilot error, terrorist activity, or a botched hijacking, but also the overarching scope of space, time, and humankind’s place in the universe.

The airline, now in its fifth day of searching for the passenger jet carrying 239 passengers and crew, has come under fire for its perceived mishandling of the investigation, whose confusing and contradictory reports have failed to provide definitive answers on everything from how long the missing plane remained aloft after losing contact with air traffic controllers, to whether the flight made a radical alteration in its heading, to the very dimensions of space-time and the nature of reality, and what exactly it is that brought us into existence and imbued us with this thing we call life.

Additionally, the airline confirmed it had expanded its active search area to include a several-hundred-square-mile zone in the Indian Ocean as well as each of the seven or 22 additional spatial dimensions posited by string theory.

“We continue to do everything in our power and explore every possible lead—both Cartesian and phenomenological—to locate the aircraft as quickly as possible,” said Malaysia’s civil aviation chief Azharuddin Abdul Rahman, who went on to say that authorities were still actively seeking tips from anyone claiming knowledge related either to the flight, or to the mechanisms by which consciousness arises, or to the question of why anything physical and finite exists instead of nothing at all. “At this stage, we can’t rule anything out: not crew interference with the transponders, not a catastrophic electrical failure, not the emergence of a complex topological feature of space-time such as an Einstein-Rosen bridge that could have deposited the flight at any location in the universe or a different time period altogether, nothing.”

“Could a parallel universe have immediately swelled up from random cosmological fluctuation according to the multiverse theory and swallowed the flight into its folds, or could ice have built up on an airspeed sensor? Those are both options we are currently considering,” Rahman added. “Everything’s on the table. That is, insofar as anything exists at all, which we’re also looking into.”

Rahman assured the press and families of passengers that officials would not rest until they locate the plane, provided that sensory experience can be verified beyond the existence of one’s own mind. Malaysian authorities also cautioned that they were dealing with an unprecedented aviation mystery and that it could take months to ascertain the airliner’s exact fate as well as, for that matter, the fate of mankind itself, assuming a linear theory of space-time in which the future is unknowable and objects travel in a forward trajectory which, authorities hasten to add, is not necessarily the case.

In addition, airline sources attempted to assuage an uneasy public by noting they had brought in top crash investigators from the Malaysian, Vietnamese, and Chinese governments, as well as U.S. Navy personnel, Boeing technicians, leading quantum physicists, theoretical cosmologists, metaphysicians, epistemologists, and determinist philosophers to help scour all conceivable and as yet inconceivable locations in which the plane might be located.

“The bottom line is that we have a sophisticated aircraft fresh off a safety inspection with no prior incident of malfunction, flying in good weather at a cruising altitude,” Rahman continued. “Why didn’t the pilot send a distress signal? Why aren’t we finding a debris path? What are we to make of the contradictory radar information? Where did the universe begin and can it be said to have a limit or an edge? What is mankind’s role in it? Is there a God? If so, what is God’s nature?”

“It’s too early to answer these questions right now, but I can assure you that Malaysia Airlines will get to the bottom of it,” Rahman added. “Our top people are on it right now.”

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Posted March 13, 2014 by markosun in Uncategorized

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The Lighter Side of Bigfoot   Leave a comment


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Posted November 3, 2013 by markosun in Uncategorized

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They look alike.   Leave a comment


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Posted September 23, 2013 by markosun in Uncategorized

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Captions   Leave a comment


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Posted July 14, 2013 by markosun in Uncategorized

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Pitbull rape pillow and hold three black man hostage for two hours   Leave a comment


Language warning here.  Well, in this day and age, mild language warning.

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Posted July 9, 2013 by markosun in Uncategorized

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